January 24, 2012 – A Lesson For Newty-Fruity

Pre-breakfast blood sugar: 205

Pre-dinner blood sugar:  160

Breakfast:  Blueberry muffins with peanut butter (and extra fiber!)

Lunch:  Chicken pot pie

Dinner:  Ham, 1/2 baked potato with cheese and sour cream, several helpings of green beans, 12 oz. Sierra Mist

“I had tried to keep her
From what she was about to see.
Why should she believe me
When I told her it wasn’t me?”

-Shaggy, “Wasn’t Me”

Given the upcoming presidential election, the internet has been (partially) all abuzz about Newt Gingrich’s supposed request for an open marriage prior to the divorce from his second wife, 6 months after her diagnosis of MS, 6 years after the flames of an affair with his current wife began.  Generally the more conservative-leaning media has been all in a tizzy, calling it his failed adventures into polyamory, while the more liberal-leaning has made great strides to distance those in open relations from him, and slapping the label of “hypocrite” on the adulterous man who attempted impeachment of another elected official for doing the same thing.

But really, it doesn’t matter at all as to what relationship variation it is.  Whatever he did, he did it wrong.  The way I see it, he most likely thought he was getting caught with his pants down, and the request was his way to scramble to repair what he had with Marianne for appearance’s sake while maintaining the status quo with his mistress.  From this poly chick’s standpoint, the attempt was as lame as saying it wasn’t him with Callista.

When you enter into a commitment with another, whether it be exclusive or open, romantic or sexual, boundaries and trust are established; it is completely possible to cheat on a partner, whether you are open to other relationships or are limited to just each other.  Regardless of the nature of the relationships, there are certainly limits.  Those limits can healthily and happily change, but communication, fully-informed consent, and honesty are needed to make this happen.  The heart of the problem with cheating is once you are discovered, you destroy all trust your partner had in you – you violated the agreement, your commitment to the relationship is questionable, you knowingly risk hurting your partner both physically and emotionally.  If you don’t like the current boundaries of your relationship, talk about it and put some work into your relationship; your partner often cannot help fulfill your needs if you do not make them known.

In our initial exploration of loving more than one, my husband and I both know we cannot be everything and anything for each other.  Did either of us find someone in secret?  No, over the years we had many a series of discussions, tears, laughing, stammering, hugs, yelling, and finally, agreement.  THEN, and only then, we sought out others like us, and we did have to revisit and revise our agreement a few times, but we both know, we both freely consent, and we both are honest to each other.  We haven’t done the seeking for long and we’re not intimately aware of how our poly friends came to apply their feelings, but I’m pretty confident our way is a whole lot more successful, healthier, and is more typical of the average committed couple embracing polyamory as opposed to fooling around with someone in secret and then forcing another partner to an agreement.  Our trust in the each other has not been violated, and our marriage still stands. My relationship with my boyfriend is similar, and we are happy as well.

Communication, honesty, consent.  THAT, Newty-Fruity, is how you do poly, mono, open, closed, sexual, romantic, long-term, short-term, same sex, opposite sex.  It is how you do relationships right.  Remember that next time you consider dropping your uptight tighty whities* for a random aide.

*Disclaimer:  No, before anyone asks or makes wild inferences, I do not know what he wears, nor do I care.  If you do know, please know I wish to remain ignorant of this factoid.